I am writing this blog post to persuade everyone to take on self compassion and why it beats self esteem in the long run. I have just read self compassion by Kristen Neff and it's basically about why Self Compassion is the way forward and how it can help you forgive past mistakes and nurture you through your struggles.
I as most of us are extremely self critical of ourselves and instantly put ourselves down the moment we make a mistake or hurt others without realising we are only human with flaws. Life is full of struggles whether they are big or small and we need to be able to nurture ourselves and be there for ourselves just like a compassionate friend would be. We need that compassion, gentleness and understanding for ourselves to prevent depression, anxiety and other types of mental illnesses. By being able to forgive ourselves and relate to the fact we will make mistakes and life is hard for everyone not just us then this gives us the ability to be able to deal with our stress in a calmer, logical way.
Being kind to others has always been such an important motto in my life and i always strive to be kinder to others but i have never thought how being kind to myself could actually be life changing and just as if not more important. By being kind and compassionate to others i know all the right things to say when i'm stressed or going through a difficult time and i never realised how much saying those things to myself would help me. For example say i am feeling really down about my appearance i would say 'you look fine as you are dear, please don't feel the need to change' or 'everyone feels insecure about their appearance and body image, you've just got to learn to accept yourself as you are because it is enough'. By frequently repeating these things to myself when i feel this way i feel content, safe, calmer and just a lot less shit than if i said things like 'ew you do look disgusting.' 'you're so spotty and your hair is too plain.' which i would never say to myself now i have read Neff's book about self compassion.
To think so many people speak to themselves in such a self critical way really upsets me because it means they can't see what they are good at and just what a good person they are. It is scientifically proven that as humans we concentrate and are affected more by the negative rather than the positive and it's not something we can help it's just how our brains work. Our brains work this way so that we don't endanger ourselves and to keep us safe and protected however we are not in the caveman times now and we don't need to protect ourselves as much as we think we do. This does not mean we have to just accept that negativity is going to be the main component we can help ourselves by giving ourselves kindness and compassion to our natural thoughts and reassure ourselves everything is going to be okay in a calm, gentle manner. By talking to ourselves in such a way can instantly reduce how anxious we feel about a situation and realise we don't always need other people to make ourselves feel better because relying on others is not the best way to stay happy and in control of our emotions.
A huge part of self compassion that has helped me is remembering to be in the present moment and not let my thoughts or emotions affect me for too long. By practising mindfulness and with this i remind myself of all the things i am grateful for, things as small as the way my cat purrs to me or the smell of my bedroom after lighting candles. By being creative with it helps me to come up with other things i'm grateful for and to always stay grateful and be in the present moment to come up with other great things to be thankful of. By working our minds in this stops us focusing on the negatives and realise how good we have it. It's a simple but affective way of being happier and staying positive. Obviously its impossible to stay positive all the time so when difficult times come up where we feel we can't escape from that moment or emotion we nurture ourselves with compassion through that hard time by reassuring ourselves and talking to ourselves like a close friend would in that situation. We realise in a mindful way how the emotions are affecting us physically as well as mentally and just nurture the places that feel tense, in pain etc.
Self compassion doesn't mean we have to stay positive all the time it's about realising how we are feeling in a mindful way, giving compassion to ourselves, realise how we are all connected as humans and always being kind to ourselves no matter what.
You might be wondering how this will motivate you more than being critical. I find that when i talk down to myself about an uncomfortable task i haven't done yet or for being lazy this kind of attitude only discourages me more to do something about it because now i feel upset and angry with myself. I have only took on self compassion for a few weeks and i am doing more than i have done before i started it e.g. eating healthier, writing blog posts again, reading more, doing more things socially out of my comfort zone, get back into meditation and just generally keeping busier. Plus being critical about things we fail at will only prevent us from trying again and being optimistic at that point. This is basically bullying when we put ourselves down for failing and is a massive part of developing a mental illness because it isolates us and makes us think we are not good enough or deserves forgiveness. I wouldn't wish i worst enemy that kind of mental torture because it is torture and we shouldn't put ourselves through that. Life is hard enough without us judging, being negative to ourselves.
If i ask you to take anything from this then it's to stop beating yourself up especially over silly things that in the big picture don't matter. We are all good enough as we are and shouldn't feel a need to improve or change all we can do is grow as people and work on things we are already good at. We all fail many times as humans, failure is part of the human condition it's how we cope with those hiccups is what counts the most.
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